ASMR HOROSCOPES: April 17 – April 23, 2016

What do the stars say about you this week? And what kind of ASMR video will get you through?


Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Mars, your ruling planet, is going into retrograde on April 17th, which may cause some hiccups in your day to day routine. You’re used to running on all cylinders at all times, so you might find yourself getting frustrated easily when faced with unexpected roadblocks. Try to be patient. Think of this week as a bit of a metaphorical traffic jam. Getting angry or stressed out won’t help you to reach your destination any faster. You are, unfortunately, going to have to go along with the stop-and-go pace of things. You might as well take a few deep breaths, turn your radio up, and enjoy the scenery. (In other words, you might not be as productive as you’d like to be, but you can use this period to recharge and refocus your energy.)

Bonus Tip: This week, you’ll need to practice patience. The next time you browse through ASMR videos, try to find a few that focus on counting or guided breathing. Really focus on and practice the relaxation techniques that are used in these videos. The same tactics can be employed when you find yourself at your next “roadblock,” and help to calm your nerves.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

This is a time for honesty in your relationships, no matter how uncomfortable or unpleasant that may be. Is there a secret you’ve been carrying around for a while? Is there some issue that you’ve been biting your tongue about, just for the sake of avoiding conflict? Is there a question you’ve been dying to ask, but haven’t had the courage? Share your burden, address your concerns, express your opinions, and open your heart. Let your voice be heard. Nothing in your life will change—for the worse or for the better—if you stay silent. Be as kind and as calm in your approach to these conversations, and take comfort knowing that, no matter what the end result is, you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and honest with people that you respect. What a gift! Best case scenario: a weight is lifted off of your shoulders, your relationship strengthens, and your overall current situation is improved. Worst case scenario: your truth and honesty are not appreciated or reciprocated, your trust is betrayed, you are faced with the option of changing or ending a relationship, and your social network ends up being smaller but richer as a result. From where I stand, this is a win-win situation. The people who deserve to be in your life will accept you, no matter what you say, and will be equally as trusting and open with you as you are with them.

Bonus Tip: This week, I recommend rambles, vlogs, and Q & A-style ASMR videos. Listening to another person speaking freely about themselves—their hopes, their fears, their interests, their pasts, their relationships, their plans for this weekend, etc.—might put you at ease. If your favorite ASMR artists can express themselves honestly in front of a camera for the whole world to see, surely you can do the same thing in privacy with someone that you know and care for. Good luck!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Don’t be surprised if your usually picture-perfect relationships seem a little out of focus, this week. After all, Mars is going into retrograde on the 17th. Stress and general miscommunication may be to blame for the discomfort you are experiencing. Take negative comments with a grain of salt, and choose to give your nearest and dearest some time and space to themselves rather than engage them in any unnecessary arguments. Mars has everyone feeling a bit cranky and out of sorts, right now, and it’ll take a week or two to ease into this energy shift. Don’t lose heart. Your relationships will seem bright and shiny again before you know it. Toward the end of the week—sometime around the full moon April 22nd—there may be a change in your workplace. This change will most likely come about as a result of good news (a promotion or a pregnancy, perhaps), but could possibly mean that a dear co-worker will have to say goodbye as they move on to bigger and better things.

Bonus Tip: Speaking of things that are “picture-perfect,” why not watch some artistic ASMR videos while you are biding your time? Painting, coloring, sketching, and clay sculpting videos will distract you while you wait for everything and everyone to get back to normal. Perhaps you’ll even be inspired to start a new creative project of your own.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

If you have any projects on your to-do list that require a joint effort, be prepared for an uphill battle this week. You may find that all of your teammates are suddenly nowhere to be found. Your instinct may be to grit your teeth while you attempt to shoulder all of the work on your own. Please try to remember that, as incredible as you are, you are just one person and you can’t possibly do it all. Try to talk to your partner or colleagues, and calmly explain what you need from them. If you find that they are still unwilling to pick up the slack after your heart-to-heart, you’ll have to get your priorities in order. Make a list of all of the tasks that need to be completed, and put the most important ones at the top. Cross off items that you can postpone until next week, and come to terms with the fact that you might not get around to some of the things at the bottom of your list. And that’s okay. Just do your best.


Bonus Tip: This week, skip over the hour-long ASMR videos. You will need all the time you can get to focus on that pile of work in front of you. If you do find yourself losing momentum, though, some short-and-sweet, motivational ASMR vids will do the trick. Ten to twenty minutes of relaxation and positive affirmations are all it will take to put some pep in back in your step!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Most aspects of your life will, luckily, be unaffected by the Mars retrograde that starts this week. Your home-life is comfortable and stable, you have some amazing friends that you love to pieces, and you’ve been kicking some serious butt in the professional realm. Your love-life, on the other hand, is not immune from the icky effects of this particular energy shift. If you happen to be single and looking for love, you might want to take a little timeout before you jump into the deep end of the dating pool. Trying to find a partner this week might lead to a lot of false starts and dead ends. Wait for the tides to change, and then try wading into the shallow end. (Consider using the buddy system while you sort through those “millions of fish in the sea.” At least bring a metaphorical emergency flotation device along for your swim. There are a lot of creepy creatures lurking just beneath the surface, so it is always a good idea to have a plan for a safe, quick escape.) If you are attached, little lion, your relationship might begin to feel as though it is at a standstill. Instead of being frustrated that you aren’t progressing or moving to “the next level” quickly enough, take this opportunity to get reacquainted with your partner. You have a beautiful chance to get to know each other more intimately and to strengthen your bond. This could be the foundation of an amazing future together…

Bonus Tip: If your love-life seems a little too lackluster, and you find yourself craving some romance, why not try out a boyfriend or girlfriend ASMR role-play video? (Fair warning: Not everyone will understand or appreciate these videos, so I recommend watching them alone in a place where someone won’t sneak up behind you unannounced. As innocent and well-intended as ASMR videos are, it might be difficult or uncomfortable to explain what you are watching to a person that is not familiar with ASMR. I may or may not be speaking from experience.)

Virgo (August 23 – Sepember. 22)

The Mars retrograde will be affecting two aspects of your life, this week: your home-life and your finances. Most likely, you’ll find conflict occurring in situations where these two areas overlap. If you live with roommates, perhaps one of you will have some difficulty making the next rent payment. Money will probably be tight, and some bills might not be paid on time. Your requests for financial assistance to get through this rough patch will either be unsuccessful, or they will require a lot of time, patience, and effort in exchange for the help that is given. Keep your chin up, and know that these trying times are temporary. Communicate with whoever contributes to or is affected by your financial situation, make compromises, and agree to work as a team to try to make ends meet. If it is an option, pick up a few extra shifts at work. Offer to help a family member or neighbor with some housekeeping or handiwork in exchange for a few extra dollars. Every penny will help, and you’ll be back on track in no time.

Bonus Tip: Struggling financially is a huge fear and stressor for most people. It is incredibly easy to get overwhelmed when, despite all your best efforts, you can’t seem to cover all of your expenses. You might find yourself feeling a lot of self-doubt, and your pride may incure some damage. Be gentle with yourself, okay? It is okay to worry, but you simply cannot stop moving forward. A nice combination of affirmations and guided relaxation-focused ASMR videos will help you to stay hopeful, balanced, and optimistic. I believe in you!

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Negotiations are going to be tough to navigate this week. You and your partner might be faced with an important decision, but you won’t agree on how it should be handled.  Both of you will have valid thoughts and feelings on the matter, but neither one of you will want to sacrifice what you want for the sake of compromise. Suggest taking a week to mull things over, and readdress the issue once you’ve each had some time to cool off and think. If you are presented with any sort of legal documents, a job contract, a new lease, or any other sort of binding written agreement, do not—I repeat, DO NOT—sign the dotted line without thoroughly examining the fine print, first. Make sure that you understand all of the ins and outs of whatever it is that you’ll be agreeing to before you make an actual commitment. Suggest amendments and revisions as you see fit. If/When you are comfortable with every last letter and punctuation mark on the page, then go ahead and put your autograph all over it.

Bonus Tip: There is one thing that you won’t have to argue about or compromise on: how you spend your free time. That being said, I’ll refrain from suggesting a specific type of ASMR video for you, this week. Go ahead and search for brand new ASMR artists, watch those videos on your Favorites playlist for the millionth time, or pick one of your favorite ASMR channels and binge watch every single video they’ve ever posted. The ASMR world is your oyster, Libra. There are no negations to be had here.


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

From now until the end of June, keep a close eye on your budget and your bank account.. Mars is going into retrograde, which may affect your finances in a less than pleasant way. An unexpected expense (or several) will probably pop up, either as the result of a minor unplanned life event or a major emergency. Regardless of the cause, it will be easier to handle the stress of the situation if you are prepared for it. Revise your budget, try to avoid unnecessary spending on frivolous items, and put a little bit of each paycheck aside for safekeeping—just in case. You’ll be glad that you did.

Bonus Tip: Don’t fret, my pet—an increase of fiscal responsibility doesn’t have to mean a decrease in the amount of fun you are able to have. You’ll just have to think outside the box a bit. Search for “funny ASMR” videos if you need a good laugh, try an “ASMR mixology” video to find a new cocktail to serve at your next at-home get-together, or watch a few “ASMR book recommendations” before hitting up your local library. There are countless ways to have a blast without opening your wallet.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Brace yourself, Archer. You might be faced with a bit of disappointment this week. Perhaps you’ve been planning a big road trip. Your adventure might need to be canceled due to last minute car problems. Maybe you are in a brand new, passionate, hot-and-heavy relationship. Things might start to slow down or cool off between you and your lover. Maybe you applied for a new job, recently. You could receive a phone call informing you that the position has been filled by someone else. Try not to freak out. Don’t beat yourself up when your plans fall through or your expectations are not met. Whatever the cause of disappointment happens to be, it is not the result of something that was ever within your control. If something fails to go as you had hoped this week, please know that is simply because the timing was all wrong. Just because something isn’t happening right now doesn’t mean that it won’t happen eventually. Reschedule that road trip, reignite that flame, and send your résumé to ten other companies…next week. You’ll see. Your second attempt will be so much greater than the first.

Bonus Tip: Seek comfort and reaffirmation in the ASMR videos you select this week. Some care-taking/concerned friend role-plays might help to soothe any sore feelings you may be experiencing. Throw a positive affirmations ASMR video into the mix for good measure. And remember—don’t be discouraged! You’ll get a better version of whatever it was that you had your heart set on in the not-so-distant future.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

This week, expect nearly all of your attention and time to be focused on your family. Your spouse or a close relative may fall ill or sustain an injury of some sort, and you may find yourself playing the role of caretaker. It is even possible that, rather than a physical ailment, a beloved family member could be suffering from emotional distress, and is in desperate need of your support. You are loyal and kind-hearted, Cap, and that is why we all adore you. You always know exactly what to say and do to make others feel better. So…go ahead. Take this time to do what you do best. Just be sure that, when your patient is resting, you use the downtime to tend to your other responsibilities. The rest of the world won’t stop turning while you nurse your loved one back to health.

Bonus Tip: You’ll be spending most of this week selflessly tending to the needs of someone else. Why not take a few minutes to yourself to enjoy a pampering role-play ASMR or two? Whether you prefer spa-themed massages, binaural haircuts, or makeovers that incorporate plenty of camera-brushing, take this time to seek out your favorite triggers and indulge.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Things might be a little hectic on the homefront, this week. It doesn’t matter what your living arrangements are, or who you share your home with—you just aren’t seeing everything eye-to-eye with your cohabitant(s). Misunderstandings and disagreements abound. Think before you speak, especially when tensions are unusually high. Throw yourself into your work, school, or activities that you can enjoy outside of/away from your house. A healthy preoccupation and some fresh air will help to make this week a bit more bearable. On the upside, all of that extra attention you’ll be giving to your work or extracurricular activities will earn you some recognition for a job well done.

Bonus Tip: If you are at home and need a break from butting heads, seek sanctuary in your room with some guided meditation ASMR videos. These will help you to feel centered, again, and allow you to handle the next argument with extra grace and patience.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This week, put all of your daydreaming to good use. Imagine the life you want to have. Really picture it in all of its technicolor glory:  the dream job, the picturesque home, the once-in-a-lifetime vacation, etc. Guess what. All of those things can be yours. This week, start figuring out how to make those fantasies factual. Do a little homework to find out what you need to do in order to get from Point A to Point B. What credentials do you need to land that job? If your résumé is lacking a few things, take the steps to rectify that. Get that certification, enroll in that course, or seek out some experience in the field. You officially have a roadmap to the career you deserve. How much would it cost to buy that cottage in the woods, to rent that apartment in the city, or to backpack through Europe? Do some research, determine how much it would cost to make that happen, and set up a savings account. You have a goal, now. If you start taking little, practical steps now, you’ll reach that milestone eventually. If you keep putting it off, though, you may never get there.

Bonus Tip: Need some inspiration for your daydreams? Try finding ASMR videos that will get your wheels turning. Instead of simply typing in “ASMR” into the search bar, try entering a second word, as well.  (“Goals,” “tour,” or “travel” are some of my personal suggestions.) The greatest inspiration for your biggest plan might be found in the unlikeliest of places.